Looking ridiculous in winter is a problem for people who can still feel their toes. Anyone who runs cold is one frosty morning away from wearing a knitted beard to Tesco.
Now the mercury has plummeted, we’ve found a whole bunch of funny gifts for people who are always cold, including a fur coat for your mate’s red nose. If they’re already wearing a dressing gown over their clothes, it shouldn’t take much convincing. And if they insist they’re cold everywhere, there’s a knitted elephant with zero dignity.
“Fucking Cold” Winter Gloves
Fisura’s black knitted gloves bearing the British mantra for winter. A Secret Santa for the work colleague who checks the Met Office more than their emails.
Grim Steeper Tea Infuser
Death has popped round, but he’s happy to wait while you have a brew. Genuine Fred’s silicone Grim Reaper holds loose tea in his body and hooks his scythe over the rim of the mug. For the person who says they feel like “death warmed up”, in a centrally heated kitchen.
Freudian Slippers
Sometimes a slipper is just a slipper. These ones are Sigmund Freud’s head. The Unemployed Philosophers Guild’s plush pair comes boxed and ready to examine why your partner’s feet keep ending up on your back.
Snow Leopard Nose Warmer
Someone in Yorkshire has identified a gap in the knitwear market, and it’s right in the middle of your face. This handmade faux-fur nose warmer ties behind the head with soft ribbons. An absurdly specific present for someone who already owns every ASOS coat.
Knitted Viking Helmet and Beard
Winter is coming, and it’s time to get serious. This adult knitted hat combines a horned Viking helmet with a magnificent brown beard, covering considerably more face than a normal beanie. Give it to the clean-shaven bloke who talks about growing a beard every November.
Elephant Willy Warmer
There’s an elephant in the bedroom, and someone has put their knob in it. This blue knitted willy warmer gives a neglected extremity its own winter outfit; a trunk for your junk.
Prawn Star Scarf
Tell them you’ve bought some prawnography. Kate Jenkins’ black scarf has pink prawns and yellow stars knitted along its length, with a 50% merino wool blend doing the actual warming.
Zippo Chrome Hand Warmer
For the guy who smokes rollies and is too rock n roll for mittens. Zippo’s polished chrome hand warmer runs on lighter fuel and gives up to 12 hours of flameless heat. Proper old-school gadgetry that looks garish. Great gift.
Guinness Pint Travel Mug
A pint of Guinness on the morning commute will raise eyebrows. This one contains tea, although you’re under no obligation to explain. The officially licensed 500ml travel mug copies the black pint and creamy head, with insulation and a secure lid.
Bercow Hot Water Bottle
Bring a little order to the bedroom. Twisted Twee has put John Bercow’s face on a fluffy fleece cover, so you can spend the evening clutching the former Speaker to your stomach. Ideal for a politically savvy household divided over custody of the duvet.
“Absolute Pleasure” Thermal Nail Polish
Now their fingers can lodge an official complaint. This UK-made thermal nail polish changes from black when cold to white when warm, with red-gold shimmer. It won’t keep them toasty, but it will provide the evidence for their moaning.