You love them. You just don’t need a box of Milktray and a teddy in a waistcoat to prove it. These anti-Valentine’s gifts are for the person who’d rather share a packet of crisps than a declaration of undying devotion.
Admittedly, there are still flowers, chocolates and jewellery involved. We’ve just made sure there’s something wrong with all of them.
Crisp Bouquet
Is their favourite flowers cheese and onion? CrispDelight in York hand-wraps packets of crisps into a bouquet, and they take bloody requests! Hand it over with all the ceremony of a dozen roses.
Obnoxious Chocs
If your relationship runs on slagging each other off, here’s your Valentine’s gift. Eight Belgian chocolate hearts, stamped with glowing praise, such as ‘Adequate’ and ‘A solid 6.5’. A box full of brevity.
Mini Anatomical Heart Necklace
February’s shop windows are wall-to-wall cartoon hearts. This one has arteries and all the horrible shit. Tatty Devine laser-cut it from layers of mirrored red acrylic, so it’s a necklace for someone who’d rather die than wear a heart necklace.
Chocolate Slugs (Box of 14)
A traditional box of chocolates won’t eat your red roses. The Edible Museum sculpts and hand-paints fourteen milk chocolate slugs until they look freshly scraped off the patio. We recommend taking an end each and slurping it like Lady and the Tramp.
Black Garlic Vodka
Anyone who still kisses you after a garlic naan has earned a bottle of this. The Garlic Farm on the Isle of Wight distils vodka with black garlic, so it pours inky dark with sweet liquorice and caramel notes. Add it to a Bloody Mary and call it a Valentine’s brunch.
Human Dog Bed
You already have to coax them off the sofa with a biscuit, so stop fighting it. This fluffy dog bed is 170cm long and sized for a fully grown human, with a removable cover for the inevitable wash. Sit. Stay. Cancel the restaurant.
Loop Quiet 2 Earplugs
They love everything about you except the hours when you speak. Loop’s soft, reusable silicone earplugs take the edge off the racket. Consider it a small apology for that noise you make with your face.
PyroPet Kisa Cat Candle
Every candlelit dinner should end with a small exhumation. This geometric wax cat slowly melts away to reveal a metal skeleton, leaving a rather macabre keepsake.
Face Confetti Potato
Pour your heart out on a potato. Your message goes on the spud and your face goes on the confetti packed around it. They’ll be picking tiny versions of you out of the carpet until spring, which is commitment of a sort.
GIANTmicrobes Tainted Love Box
GIANTmicrobes has given the sexual health clinic a gift shop. The Tainted Love box turns five STIs, including herpes, chlamydia and syphilis, into mini plush toys. Do explain the soft toy bit before announcing you’ve given them the clap.
The Gift of Nothing
They said ‘don’t get me anything’, and you’ve taken the request remarkably seriously. Little Gems Online have turned it into something you can buy (why didn’t we fucking think of that!). Hand it over with a straight face.
Wine Glass Bottle Topper
This wine glass fits straight onto the bottle, lending a thin veneer of respectability to drinking from the neck. Ideal for Valentine’s at home, where the sommelier is whoever’s nearest the fridge.
'I Hate Everyone Except You' Chocolate Disc
Being the one person they don’t despise is quite an honour. This chunky Fairtrade Belgian milk chocolate disc is practically a sonnet from someone who hides when the doorbell goes.
Custom Ugly Portrait
Send DUglyArt your photo, and they’ll turn it into a deliberately wonky line drawing. Could be your wedding photo. Could be your favourite picture together. Either way, hang the monstrosity in the hallway and let visitors guess which one’s you.